I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
