Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
