Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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