The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
