so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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