"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
