I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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