Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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