My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
