This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
