talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
