Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
