Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
