I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
