wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
