My friends, they love my intelligence
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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