Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The Olympian is in my bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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