I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
