I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
