people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
