we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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