nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
