remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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