There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
