Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
