Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
