I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
