FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
