You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
