i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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