What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
