oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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