I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
