He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
