If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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