Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.