i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can text with my tongue
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
