theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
