rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
