please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
