we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
