Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
