The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
