Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Please don't give away my fajitas
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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