if i died would you start the facebook group?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
