I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
