I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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