I want to have your abortion
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
