i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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