if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
