how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
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She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.