I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
accomplished twins. life is a go
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i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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