In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
