How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
