I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
