the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
