I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
